What can we learn from death and illness?

In my book, Sacred Instructions; Indigenous Wisdom for Living Spirit-Based Change, I talk about Grief, Trauma, and Intimacy. I state that “when we don’t heal our pain, it comes out sideways and derails our lives and damages our relationships.” Yet, when we can face our pain courageously it creates a space for deeper awareness to emerge and allows us to access a higher level of emotional intelligence, which can be brought to bear on our relationships with others, and in our relationship with ourselves. Our lives can be radically changed if we learn to sit with Grief and Trauma intimately, offering it gentleness and absolute acceptance. When we do so, we open a doorway to the many lessons that these experiences have to teach us, and that in turn opens a pathway for us to truly meet ourselves and those we love for the very first time.  

Facing devastating events, such as death and illness, is one of the most challenging things that we will do as spiritual beings. These experiences test our fortitude and our faith. They challenge our ability to trust the larger wisdom of the divine, and our own capacity for healing. These devastating events shake us out of our dream and force us to awaken to the moment that we are living in. And, then they force us to look beyond the sheltered reality that we have been inhabiting and face the shadows that are dancing in our periphery.

The past year has presented a heavy dose of devastation to me and my family. I lost a young cousin and two nephews, all young men in their 20’s, in very tragic ways. My first grandchild was stillborn, and a month later my mother was diagnosed with stage four breast cancer. Though this year has seemed extreme, if I look back on my life I realize that this is a story that has been unraveling by degrees since my time in the womb. In this life, I have been forged in fire. My world has been constructed, destroyed, and reconstructed repeatedly. And, each time I have been able to recreate myself closer and closer to the truth of who I really am.

At some point along the way, I decided that I would let go of my resistance to this process and start getting intimate with my experiences of grief and trauma. I stopped running from them. I sat with them, raw and unprotected, open and vulnerable, and; I began to consciously look for the light in the darkness they were cloaked in. This open engagement has brought some beautiful realizations into my awareness and reshaped the way that I deal with tragedy in my life.

Everyone’s experience with tragedy is personal and unique. My journey through these waters is no different. I have met these moments with my own limitations, restricted by my own perceptions, beliefs, and understandings. I have been blinded by expectations and constrained by preconceived notions about how life was supposed to be, for me and those I love. Every shattering experience provided me with an opportunity to broaden my view, to shift my perspective, and to change my beliefs. They allowed me the chance to let go of the truths I had constructed, so that higher truths could take root within me.

What I’ve learned from Illness ~

When we are faced with an illness that requires us to change our lives to save our lives, we are forced to consider the value of the life we have been living. We have to take some time to consider whether the effort required to change is worth the life it will save. If the answer to that inquiry is no, we have to examine the life that we have been living and figure out how to create a life going forward that aligns with our truest sense of value.

Though it seems paradoxical, in many instances a life-altering or life-threatening illness can save our lives. It can shock us out of complacent acceptance of the status quo and into full engagement with the life we most want to live. It can help us to become more honest with ourselves, more authentic in our offerings, and more determined to be our best selves. It can cause us to shed the superficial concerns that have distracted us and search for deeper meaning. When someone close to us faces this process, it doesn’t just offer that opportunity to them, it offers it to us as well.

When someone we love is sick, we must help them navigate the upheaval of this new reality in their lives, while we simultaneously find balance in the new reality surrounding our relationship with them. We do this work so that we can be fully present to witness each unfolding moment beside them. In this process, our interactions with them become much more honest and gain more depth. This allows us to know one another in ways that seemed impossible before the illness was present. When viewed in that light, illness can be an incredible gift, providing us an opportunity to enter into a more authentic relationship with ourselves and those around us, while also catapulting us into a new relationship with life itself. The beauty in that is profound.

Through my Mother’s illness, I have been able to have conversations with her that we never would have had under other circumstances. We have been able to wade deep into the waters of forgiveness and spiritual healing, in order to open the space for deep and complete healing to occur within her. No matter what the outcome of her journey ends up being, we are all better, more loving, and more thoughtful human beings for having had this experience together. It has truly been a journey of deep love, for us here in the physical realm and between us and the beings in the spiritual realm.

What I’ve learned from Death ~

The death of someone close to us offers us similar gifts. When someone we love leaves this world, it causes us to reach toward the realm of spirit. And, since our loved one’s journey beyond the physical has brought them back into closer alignment with the larger body of creation, our reaching toward them results in our coming closer to our Creator. There is no faster way to strip away our resistance to spiritual connection than for one of our loved ones to cross back into spirit form. When those we love are on the other side, our desire to reach across the divide is amplified. Therefore, we reach further toward that unending source of life than we ever had before. Many of us also develop a belief that our loved ones are now watching over us from the other side, and we find comfort and inspiration in that knowledge. This can result in us living better lives, and becoming more courageous in our endeavors, because we know that we are being supported by spirit.

If we continue reaching toward the world of spirit, we begin to recognize that there is a deeper truth being revealed to us through this process. Our loved ones are helping us to understand that we are always being watched and supported by the loving presence of the Creator and our ancestors. Unfortunately, it is often only through the illusion of loss that we begin to awaken to the truth of that unending connection. The truth is that we are supported and guided by spirit throughout our lives.

At the time of birth, loving hands reach into creation to bring life into this world. Then, following death, loving hands again reach into creation to maintain the ties that they have developed in life. This tells us that life itself is a thread that keeps us connected to the very source of creation. There is unbelievable beauty in that.

During all the trauma and grief that I have experienced, I have found an opening for a deeper connection to the source of life and a greater understanding of the divine love that is at its core. For that, I am eternally thankful. The wisdom of the Creator, which flows through all aspects of our lives, is unending. Every day the divine source of life breathes within each one of us, and every day we are provided with a new opportunity to align with that breath.

Take a moment today to reach toward the source of your life, and whisper to creation:

 “Divine teacher, beloved friend, infinite breath of life – I bow to you, again and again,” and then wait for the feeling of warmth that floods into your soul as creation bows back to you.

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image credit: x1klima